Motherhood, is it worth it?

I originally wrote this blog back in 2021, when my oldest daughter turned 5 months old. While it’s an older post, I felt it was worthy of a refresh because the words still ring true. I hope it encourages another mama out there who may be struggling with feeling “in love” with her baby.

Nora is 5 months old today. FIVE months. Sometimes it feels like forever and others it feels like the blink of an eye. Today feels like for..ev…er. (Any Sandlot fans?) I feel sad. Disappointed. Hurt. I really thought motherhood would look differently for me. An instant bond with Nora. A love that says “this is so worth all the challenges”. Instead, I question myself often.

Is it? Is it worth it?

The “most challenging, and the most rewarding” they say. I currently feel all the challenging, and very little rewarding. There’s a twinge of guilt and a tablespoon of shame as I type that last sentence. I’m forcing myself not to delete it because I believe there’s another mama out there who needs to know that they aren’t alone in feeling this way.

And when I can come to terms with the fact that I don’t feel this incredible bond with Nora, I still question what if this feeling never changes? What if she gets older and I STILL feel this way? Before Nora came into the world, I thought there was this maternal instinct where you just automatically fell in love with your baby and you loved nurturing them. I’m so hurt over how this was not my experience.

What I’m telling myself: I can’t be the only mom who struggles with this. I’m going to have a much closer bond with her eventually…it won’t always be like this. (Fingers crossed. Holding breath. Praying often.) I’m not a bad mom for having these feelings. I’m actually a good mom because I seek help when I need it.

I’m hurt that this doesn’t seem to get talked about very much. Why didn’t anyone tell me? Obviously this isn’t something you just bring up at a baby shower, “Here’s this adorable onesie! Oh, and by the way, you may or may not feel in love with your baby upon arrival.” Or, “you may have disturbing thoughts, like really disturbing thoughts that you’re afraid to mention out loud”. I really do understand why it isn’t talked about. It’s not pleasant. It’s scary to verbalize. Moms don’t want to be judged for not feeling the blissful feelings everyone talks about. Judgement is the last thing a new mama who’s already feeling incredibly insecure and questioning herself needs. Moms need a safe place and space to be honest. Vulnerable. Messy. Completely authentic.

Now that I’m a mama and I’ve walked through some of this first hand, I want to be part of starting conversations. Being honest and vulnerable. Being a listening ear and sounding board. For expecting mamas who ask me what is hard about motherhood, telling them truthfully about my experience and letting them know that building a community of other supportive mamas is crucial for their own mental and emotional health. I’m sure as time goes by, there will be more reward that comes with this challenge of parenting. And I’ll share that too!

If you’re reading this and you’re not a mama, you can still be part of starting conversations. Just because you don’t have the personal experience of motherhood doesn’t mean that you don’t have the emotional capacity to just BE there. Ask her how she is doing. Maybe twice, because the first time is easy to fake. “No really….how are YOU?” Hold space for that mama who just needs your presence without judgement or advice. Let’s keep aiming for authenticity, my friends, because shame can’t survive when we begin to know and be known.